‘Do you think true love exists?’ Seema tried to start this same conversation again. This discussion takes place at least thrice a week. She wanted reconfirmation that her boyfriend was still truly deeply in love with her. Why do so many people think some other person has to complete their life? I love myself more than the concept of loving some random person.
‘I think love is an emotion, which I’m not capable of feeling. It’s better not to have this discussion with me.’ When I expressed this Seema took it as a challenge to set me up with some guy. She said, ‘If you can’t invest your time for some guy, better find one who can invest in you instead of you both in love.’
I didn't understand most of what she said, but I wanted to try something new so I said yes when she wanted to search for the one for me. A week later, she introduced me to this wonderful guy, William, who I felt connected with right away. Things were fine and we got together before the month ended. I met Seema a few days later for some love advice.
‘Seema, what if he finds that I got involved because I wanted to experiment with the whole concept of love? If I said I loved him without actually feeling so, wouldn’t that make me a terrible person?’
She said, ‘Not if you truly love him by the time he found it out. If you don’t think it works, then it shouldn’t bother you what he thinks. Instead of worrying about the future spend more time in enjoying what you have.’
Once again, I blindly followed what she said. Few months passed and things still were going great. Maybe I started loving him truly because I don’t feel like breaking up already. I wanted to get rid of the guilt that was eating me. I wanted him to know I meant it when I said I loved him. Before I said came clean, the downward spiral of our relationship started. He would depend on me, emotionally. His deep inner emotional baggage, made me hate staying with him.
I wanted to break up when he started this, but I gave him another chance. Guilt acts in weird ways. That’s what made me stay. Slowly I understood his pain and supported him throughout his therapy. This must be true love. Or else why would I, someone who doesn’t care about others unnecessarily, choose to stay with him when I could let go of it? I think it’s time for me to reveal it all, about how much I loved him. This is the happy ending I never believed in or hoped for.
‘William, I love you. I didn’t truly love you a few months ago. After the hardships we faced together, I realised I truly was in love with you all along. I am sorry for hiding it all this time. The guilt kept troubling me all this while. It took so long to gather the courage to say I love you’
‘Sweetheart, I’m so sorry to say this, but I knew about this all along. I knew you were in search of a guy, and I became the best available option. That’s because I needed someone to support me and not leave in between. I made sure guilt managed to do that to you. You thought you were using me; it’s been the other way since the beginning. Now that I’m alright, I don’t think we need to play along anymore. Your sudden feelings now, let’s say its collateral damage. You won’t be taking much time to get over this heart break. Thanks for everything, but everything between us was a lie and now it’s over.’
He uttered a few sentences and left my life. Until then I thought I was finally getting the happy ending I was destined for. Except the ending, nothing was destined, I guess. Seema suggested tubs of ice cream and a bunch of rom-com's to get over this break-up. Though I felt it for a rather short period, I think it was true love I had for William. I knew I was in pain, but I wanted to get over it soon. However, I didn't understand how ice cream could possibly help me. Since when did materials start replacing feelings?