Today, I’m writing not just to inform you the events but to force you to take a stand, either for or against me. You know the best and worst of me. But what happened today is a strange combination of them both. This is that one moment which I want to remember for the rest of my life. Let me start from the beginning.
Hesitation is that one concept I am yet to familiarize with. I never had a problem in deciding, as selection didn’t take much time. It started when I realised I couldn’t possibly have everything. I never hesitate to select the better option, irrespective of the consequences. In fact this is my strength.
When I was five, my mom let me choose my outfit for the day. I could do that in a minute. In teenage, I was made to go out shopping with my sister. My shopping barely took a fraction of the time my sister spent in selecting one dress. The journey never mattered to me. It’s always about the destination. As far as I’m concerned, it is better to skip unnecessary breaks.
When I had to choose my stream of study, Arts or Sciences, I chose the latter. Because no art ever appealed to me the way research did. It appeared rather dreamy a career choice, to stay an artist throughout life. Real ambition deserves to be proved, not felt. That’s what dictated my life till now and shall always.
It was time for me to select a college for my study. One was near my home and the other in a different state. I didn’t hesitate once in selecting the one away, because it meant freedom. When I stay at home I am forced to do certain things my mom wants. Because of my love to her, I choose to do them. Staying in a hostel away meant I can do the things I want in the way I want. Whenever I went home, they were so happy to have me back; they tried to please me throughout the stay.
After a few months at college, I felt my concentration levels have been slightly decreasing. Once I almost tried to comprehend a poem written by one of my classmates. I consulted my sister, who though disapproved my methods was certain about my decisions. She suggested that was home sickness. Making a few friends, perhaps a boyfriend would end it all.
I liked the idea. After all she knew me the best. Intense scanning of the college guys resulted in finding this guy, who fit like a piece of puzzle to me, which i never even realised was missing. He was the normal to my crazy and I was happy that I found him. Anyways, we were bound to be deep in love after our first date, so I screamed it out through my Facebook before we even met.
I knew I made a mistake before the congratulations even started pouring in. I pretty much figured it out the moment we first met. Theoretically it was supposed to be a success. I decided to take a chance and it appears to be the one thing I did wrong. He never agreed with my ways and I couldn’t overlook his carefree reasoning. I also couldn’t end it because I let the world know my choice. I couldn’t back out from what I selected. So, we tried to make it work. It still didn’t.
I knew I was always right, so it had to be his fault we were fighting all the time. He got fed up of my constant nagging and agreed that it was a mistake that we ever got together. He was disappointed that in spite of putting so much effort into making it work, it didn’t. He said he still wanted to make us work. So he asked me to forget it all and give it another shot. Make a new start. He said it was the intention and efforts put in that denotes success. Then it hit me. Like that single card that breaks the tower of cards, his words broke my beliefs, as I knew it till then.
All this while I was thinking I was selecting the right option. Now I knew I was eliminating the wrong ones. It was not selection but rejection that I was good at. Till then I had to choose between similar objects, so it was easy. It wasn’t simple anymore. Because it was between what my heart wanted and my brain knew. I wanted to give us a chance but my mind was rejecting this idea.
I thought he was the yang to my yin (I knew I was the darker soul) and we complemented each other. We were only contradicting and thus suffocating the other person. If I had to choose between him and the world, I’d choose him. But between him and me, it’s always going to be me. My brain precedes my heart. I knew he looked sad, But I could sense relief in both of us when I rejected his idea.
This is what has happened. The reason I wrote this letter is because I want you to read this, whenever there's a conflict between your brain and heart.What you might be when you read this letter could be different from what I am right now. I don't want the present you to misrepresent the past you. This is exactly what I feel right now and I urge you to think about how this one decision affected your life. Take a wise decision, preferably what your brain says.
P.S. I can’t stop wondering if putting no efforts is what brings success. Clearly the other way didn’t, in my case.